So......
Tonight I realized that in all probability all of my sculptures have been thrown into the dumpster and hauled away by this point. They cleaned the sculpture survey room Monday morning, or at least were schuduled to, and I completely forgot to borrow my friend's truck and pick mine up.
There goes a semester's worth of work, down the drain. There are so many things and ideas running through my head right now, but all I can do is shake my head at my own stupidity and wonder what this means for me.

There goes my portfolio, though not really.

I wasn't proud of anything I turned in. I spent this entire semester in classes and working to pay my rent, and my work defineatly suffered greatly because of it. I can honestly say there is nothing, nothing I have turned in this semester that I have been truly and greatly proud of. Every piece was hastily done, with poor craft and horrible planning. Almost all of them were completed a few minutes before the critique, with the instructor watching me and wondering how I managed to pull it together, and how I was willing to turn something so horrible in, and I was ashamed at every critique I sat through.
I know I know the techniques, I know how to do the work in my head and with my hands, and how to create pieces with good craft and things that I can be proud of. But this entire semester has been a battle of timing, and schuduling, and trying to get into the labs, and being expected to work six days a week, and having to work that much because I don't have money for food anymore.
Even the papers I wrote, for other classes, made me ashamed. I know I can write better and fuller and more in depth, but I just barely met the requirements each time, and on one paper I didn't even meet the requirements. It dosn't matter that I got an A on my papers, it's the fact that I don't think I deserved an A, that I didn't earn one because everything I did was hapazard and half the time based on luck and my beforehand knowledge of the class material.
I really want to apologize to all my instructors, who put up with the horrible work I did, and tried to guide me through it and help me. I did learn a lot from them, so much about detail and craft and how to achieve these things, but I didn't put them to work, and sometimes it was forgetfulness, or sometimes laziness, and a lot of the time it was time constraints, but these excuses don't make up for the fact that my work was sub par, and that you all expected better from me, and deserved better from me. I feel like I wasted their time and energy, and I wish there was some way I could give it back or let them know how much I apriecated it. I owe them so much or what they tried to do and I failed at.
I've been looking at what I can do to make next semester better, how I can avoid this situation and do pieces that I'm proud of and what to turn in. I've come up with a couple ideas, and I've been bouncing them off friends and family, trying to figure out what my best option is, and I still haven't found it. I might be taking a semester off, trying to save up money and establish residency, so my tuition will lower, another big problem for me. If I can save up enough maybe I can not have to work while trying to do art school. The armed services are still an option, but they have the same problems that kept me from joining when I left high school. I just know can't keep doing exactly the same thing I'm doing now, or it will destroy my artwork, and everything I love to do with my life.

If you made your way through all of this, thank you for taking a moment of your time to care, or maybe you were just bored, but I won't know that. Any advice is welcome, and I'm sorry for writing such an depressing rant, but these sculptures were on my mind and I had to get it out, the internet is such a happy and open medium.